Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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