she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
