Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
