Me too!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
