she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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