ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
