No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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