Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
