yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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