i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand