these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
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Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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