There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
