Will you blow on my dice?
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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