I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
