i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
