member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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