You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
