the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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