How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
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yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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