I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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