Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
