You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
