I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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