I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
