I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
