I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
