Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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