new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
