So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
