I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just invented taco cereal.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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