Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
