You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
