Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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