I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
