Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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