In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
