I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
