The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
