The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
