I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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