you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole