My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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