smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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