Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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