if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
