He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
