i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
