tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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