you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
