He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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