Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
