It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
