whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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