my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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