I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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