he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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