Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
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I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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