this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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